This is hard to write.
I've been a bit absent. Something happened. I was sitting in Inception on Saturday the 17th, enjoying it thoroughly, and it struck me. 'I'm pregnant.' It wouldn't leave. I thought 'No I'm not' and a little voice in my head replied 'Yes, yes you are.' Since the only day I COULD have gotten pregnant was Friday the 16th, I thought it was ridiculous to even think that I could know 36hrs later. That's not possible, right?
Except it was. The next Saturday, Bug-Baby's first birthday, we found ourselves staring at a positive pregnancy test. We got a positive result after a week with her, too. Apparently my body reacts to pregnancy ridiculously. I was having symptoms before the result, and by Saturday I was having serious problems. I was nauseated, really tired, and all my joints hurt like hell. We went out to wonder around our favourite market and have a picnic for Beast's Birthday, and I hd to hobble around using an umbrella as a walking stick. I also dislocated my shoulder picking up a bag of shopping. It was a heavy bag, but still. On Monday I went to meet friends and by the end of the day I was leaning heavily on the pushchair, using it as a zimmer-frame, my hips rolling in and out of their sockets like they were doing The Twist.
My body is a total drama queen.
I went to bed early and dreamed about giving birth to a tiny baby boy. This morning I laughed with Mr A when he came to wake me up about what we named him, and how in my dream I didn't give birth, they just said 'We have to deliver the baby right now' and then brought me this tiny little baby that could fit in my cupped hands.
I got up and went to the bathroom for my morning wee.
I was bleeding.
It's been a week of turmoil. Nerves, sadness, worry, stress, tears, anger, pain, now a feeling of confusion. We had decided not to continue the pregnancy, because it was making me too sick, and because we were too concerned about my health and ability to take care of a toddler while bedridden for nine months. So what right did I have to feel emotional - nay, hysterical- when I passed that solid white would-be-baby? I don't. I have no right at all.