Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Stuff and Things and Babies that weren't.

This is hard to write.

I've been a bit absent. Something happened. I was sitting in Inception on Saturday the 17th, enjoying it thoroughly, and it struck me. 'I'm pregnant.' It wouldn't leave. I thought 'No I'm not' and a little voice in my head replied 'Yes, yes you are.' Since the only day I COULD have gotten pregnant was Friday the 16th, I thought it was ridiculous to even think that I could know 36hrs later. That's not possible, right?

Except it was. The next Saturday, Bug-Baby's first birthday, we found ourselves staring at a positive pregnancy test. We got a positive result after a week with her, too. Apparently my body reacts to pregnancy ridiculously. I was having symptoms before the result, and by Saturday I was having serious problems. I was nauseated, really tired, and all my joints hurt like hell. We went out to wonder around our favourite market and have a picnic for Beast's Birthday, and I hd to hobble around using an umbrella as a walking stick. I also dislocated my shoulder picking up a bag of shopping. It was a heavy bag, but still. On Monday I went to meet friends and by the end of the day I was leaning heavily on the pushchair, using it as a zimmer-frame, my hips rolling in and out of their sockets like they were doing The Twist.

My body is a total drama queen.

I went to bed early and dreamed about giving birth to a tiny baby boy. This morning I laughed with Mr A when he came to wake me up about what we named him, and how in my dream I didn't give birth, they just said 'We have to deliver the baby right now' and then brought me this tiny little baby that could fit in my cupped hands.

I got up and went to the bathroom for my morning wee.

I was bleeding.

A lot.

It's been a week of turmoil. Nerves, sadness, worry, stress, tears, anger, pain, now a feeling of confusion. We had decided not to continue the pregnancy, because it was making me too sick, and because we were too concerned about my health and ability to take care of a toddler while bedridden for nine months. So what right did I have to feel emotional - nay, hysterical- when I passed that solid white would-be-baby? I don't. I have no right at all.


  1. You do. You have every right. It can be the wrong time and you can choose to end a pregnancy and you have every right to feel how ever you are feeling - sad, anxious, upset. No one can take that away.

    I love you hon. And I'm so sorry things are rough.


  2. I know that I can't even begin to comprehend what you're feeling right now, but I think it's a good thing that you're upset about it simply because it shows that you are a compassionate, loving woman. I'm so sorry that things aren't great right now. I don't know you personally, but I'm sending love vibes your way. : )

  3. Even when you head tells you one thing, your heart continues to want another, and it's your heart that hurts when things don't work out.


  4. Oh my god, I had no idea .. shit, I'm so utterly, thoroughly sorry for not being there for you and for being so wrapped up in my petty, stupid, pathetic little drama .. you have every right to feel the way you feel, your body felt that new life from the moment it was held within you...

    I am truly, deeply, sorry for your loss.

    With huge, huge hugs and apologies once again,