Thursday, 8 July 2010

Knock knock. Who's there? No one, I fell over halfway to the door.

So I promised I would come back and expand on Round Seventy Gazillion of the 'Ari Is Tired' game.

Last Week I was invited to attend a play on July 1st with a relative of Mr A's. This was exciting, and also anxious-making. It would involve a longer stint away from Baby A than I had ever had. I am also currently not on speaking terms with Mr A's parents and grandparents, so spending a whole evening with his brother and aunt? Ummmm. I had to think long and hard about it, but eventually decided that actually, I really did need an evening out, away from the house, being a grown-up. I was a Theatre and Drama student at school, I used to love nothing more than checking out plays. I haven't been to one since I finished my A-levels in '06. I haven't been out during the evening without Mr A or Baby A for 2 years. I really, really, really needed a few hours in adult company, doing something I enjoyed.

So, with much trepidation, I started to get ready. What to wear was a major issue. On one hand, I wanted/needed to be comfortable. On the other, this is my first adult evening in two years, and I wanted to look NICE. I ended up settling on a long red skirt with white spots, worn as a shorter dress, with a black silk belt, with red high heels and my hair pinned back as best I could (it's very short). Once I'd slapped on a bit of slap, I was looking pretty smoking.

We had an amazing dinner (steeeeeaaaakkkk MMMMMM) and the play (Women Beware Women) was spectacular, as was the conversation. I came home buzzing, elated, refreshed, and best of all, missing Baby A (why is that a good thing? Because 99% of the time I just resent her and want someone else to come and help me with her. To MISS her, to feel excited and elated to see her? Awesome feeling.) It was, on the whole, and amazing success and I'm so pleased Mr A bullied me into going.


The effort required to pull this night together was enormous, and it knocked me flat on my ass. I got home barely able to walk, despite having worn flip-flops all the way into London from Home, only putting on my heels at the last minute. Sitting in the theatre for three hours and the all of maybe 15-20 minutes walking I did in total was too much for me. I burned out in a major way. It's now a week later and I'm still hurting. On Tuesday we went to IKEA for me second birthday, and we hd a great time but by the time we had zipped round to the market hall (maybe 45 minutes, tops, of light strolling) I was really hurting, could barely support myself, leaning heavily on the trolley to keep upright and avoid the embarassment of Making A Scene.
Apart from Tuesday I've been stuck to the sofa every day since Thursday, and sleeping til almost 1pm. I'm exhausted, in a huge amount of pain, and now, tonight, my chest has started hurting as well. It feels like I'm having an asthma attack, but a really low-grade one, for hours and hours now. I could scream. Mr A sent me to bed early (9pm) after a chat about how I'm not doing terribly well, but then we had sex and it woke me up and now it's 1:30am and I CAN'T SLEEP. I was supposed to be seeing a friend and her new baby tomorrow but may have to cancel at this rate. Luckily, she is AWESOME and understands and is willing to be cancelled on at the last minute. I'm frustrated, because I really wanted to get out, but what use is it pushing myself to the point of collapse? Where I'm at right now, I can honestly se myself passing out and leaving this poor woman trying to get help for me while looking after two babies. No, not fair.

As for the conversation with Mr A earlier... I am having a bit o a wibble at the moment, about my health. I'm 22. I should feel this fucking old. I feel geriatric. I'm always tired and always in pain. my life is a never ending list of compromises. Want t go out for a walk? Well you can't. Go sit on the balcony instead. Want to clean the house? Well you can't, settle for putting a single load of laundry on instead. Want to cook up a batch of food to freeze? Well you CAN'T. Settle for buying the ingredients and hoping you having the energy at some point and that this lot won't get thrown out like the last six lots (it did get thrown out, by the way.) I'm tired of all of this never-ending tiredness.
I finally narrowed down the list of GP's and found one nearby that ticks all the right boxes. Close by (although it IS uphill. Compromise.), two female GP's, excellent reviews on NHS Choices of the GP's treatment (although not of the support-staff's behaviour. Compromise). Next stage is phoning to ask if they're registering new patients and then finding a time when we can go and register.

I've had to stop driving lessons/practise because I wasn't safe behind the wheel. That was a massive blow. I love my car, it's a thing of beauty, and I love the wy I feel when I drive. But I was not safe. I kept forgetting about the handbrake, I forgot to check for red lights, I would zone out while driving. At one point I became REALLY sick while driving home and started greying out, trying not to vomit. I couldn't pull over because I couldn't turn my head or use my brain to figure out where would be safe. It was scary, and dangerous. This is bad news, because without a license I am really really limited. I'm getting better at taking public transport, because I HAVE to, but it's still difficult and it's still enough to keep me much more housebound than I would otherwise be.

I'm frustrated. I'm scared I'm never going to get any better, that my life goes downhill from here and never, ever gets better. I don't want to have peaked at 21. 21 is supposed to be the beginning, not the beginning of the end. I get so down about it. I shouldn't be reading all of this stuff about the DLA and benefits reviews, because I'm internalising a lot of the things being said by stupid, ignorant people. I'm internalising the belief that I'm scummy, scrounger, useless, work-shy. I already had a gold-medal in self-criticism, something I've fought hard to put aside in the last couple of years, only to have it all come crashing in on me now. Without any work or possibility or hope of work, without any indication that things will GET BETTER SOON, I feel like I'm collapsing.

(next morning)

I had to run upstairs to feed the baby and subsequently couldn't post this last night. I woke up at 6 this morning with a dodgy tummy and so had to cancel my outing today. Bah. Still having chest pains.

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