Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Oh, there I am.

We moved house, then I got sick, then I got better, then there just seemed to be an endless stream of really important things I never had the time to do, then we had to start preparing for our trip to South Africa, then we had to actually GO to South Africa, then we had to come back and deal with the aftermath of being gone for a fortnight and then we found out I was pregnant with a planned and much-wanted baby.

Now I'm sitting here going through my 2nd miscarriage in 11 months.

I have been a shit blogger and a shit friend recently, but I have felt *so* overwhelmed by everything. There are all these demands on my time and not enough of me or my time to meet them. I'm having worse partial dislocations and the 'normal' partials are happening more often. My mood is generally much improved but physically I'm beat up. I've been trying to be good to myself and part of that was stepping away from blogging, because I was getting so emotionally invested in what was happening that I was coming away drained. I don't think that's healthy but at the same time, it upsets me that there are people out there I care for who I haven't even 'seen' for months because I'm too weak to cope with reading about their lives. It's pathetic.

Right now we're doing a lot of thinking about the possibility of my hypermobility being connected with my inability to stay pregnant. The more I read up about chemical pregnancies/early miscarriages, the more I think that I've had more of these than I realised. There's definitely been one more, possibly more but a mix of bad memory and incredibly irregular periods makes this difficult to track. If your period isn't due, how do you know it's late? You can't. But I can know if it's suddenly much much heavier than normal, or much more painful, which has happened a few times.

It was my 23rd birthday yesterday, I dragged Mr Arienette to a theme park and we rode rollercoasters. I smiled so much my face ached. Life is ups and downs.


  1. Oh honey, sending love and hugs. And yes, sadly hypermobility is connected to miscarriages. xxxx

    Happy Birthday too!

  2. V: I suspected as much, although Dr Google told me no, something in my gut told me yes, and a conversation with a friend about the hormones required to sustain a pregnancy made me wonder if my hormone-triggered HMS was connected. Do you know any fancy things I can tell my Dr to make him take the issue seriously? I don't know the science behind it all and I don't think 'I have wonky joints and I know I have one baby already but thats irrelevant and I don't think I can stop miscarrying because of it.' will impress.
    Both my mother and my aunt had miscarriages at around 4months, and possibly more early ones in the days before pregnancy was easily detectable. They also are both hypermobile, although not as much as I am. It could be a cincidence, maybe, (I mean, miscarriages are common) but what if it isnt?

  3. I'm sorry life has been a bit of a shitfest for you lately. I wish I could say something or do something. Just know that if you ever need to email vent, I'm here AND I'm on facebook. :)

    It sounded like you had a lovely time on your birthday. I can't believe you're less than a year older than me. Probably because I still feel like a baby myself sometimes. lol

    I hope things get better. I've missed hearing from you! (But don't stress yourself out about keeping up with blogs! Rest and whenever you're ready, everyone can fill you in.)

  4. Hello, you [enormous hug]

    First of all: Happy Belated Birthday. I can send a cake, you know...? Am glad you did something that made your face ache through so much grinning; if anyone deserves huge swathes of joy, it's you.

    I lack the words to express how incredibly sorry I am to hear about your second miscarriage; I've never been in your position, with everything I can think of saying sounding banal and trite, so all I can do is send you love, love, love. And then more love.

    As for being a 'shit friend and blogger' .. I seriously doubt you have the capacity for such things. I completely understand the need to 'not blog' for a while; looking back on what I wrote last year, I can see it only fuelled my rapidly-diminishing emotional/physical/mental capacities. I'm finding it hard to write too, in case it drains me or, worse, it inflames the sadness/bat-shit-crazy-ness. Etc.

    I still have faith in you, honey. Such things survive in any silence between us. And I always will.