Wednesday, 6 October 2010

One step forward, one hasty shuffle back.

So further to my post last night about the pictures on facebook, so far I've had a couple of shocked responses, some sympathy from a fellow Bendy Babe (HOLLA E!) and a whole lot of 'LOL I CAN DO THIS TOO!!!!' Well how wonderful for you. Come back to me when it stops becoming something to lol about and becames achingly, crippingly, disablingly painful and stops you living a normal life. Until then just please please please go fuck off and stop LOLING at me.

I've had a headache for three days and I'm in SUCH a bad mood. Taking my painkillers every 3 hours doesn't help, forgetting to take them is more common because my mind is just...elsewhere. I nearly dropped the baby five feet today because everything siezed up as I was climbing out of bed and I was so scared because if Mr A hadn't been there I would have been stuck instead of just calling for him to come and save me while I used up more spoons than I had to spare holding myself perfectly still without any arms to balance me.

I'm not sleeping, and it's going to fuck with me. But right now I'm stuck in this place where I can't go to sleep but I can't wake up either. My brain thinks I'm depressed. My body is all 'FUCK YOU EVERYTHING IS FINE GODDAMNIT.' and neither of them is really right. I'm somewhere inbetween a full blown depressive episode and just being generally run-down. I'm still hovering just above 90lbs after my stomach flu last month and my body can't really handle the stress of ANYTHING. But I don't have the option of not coping. I don't have the option of staying in bed for a full week to recover. I'm using up at least 500 calories a day breastfeeding and I know I'm not taking in nearly enough to counter that. But I also don't have the option of not-breastfeeding. The sheer effort involved in weaning her right now is beyond me. If I can't get dressed in the morning or manage more than one walk a week, I'm not going to be able to stay up all night fighting to get disgusting-tasting prescription milk into a violent toddler and then get up and spend the whole day doing the same thing while she cries and screams and paws at me and worst of all, she just won't even understand why. Knowing I'm causing her distress and that I could just stop it if I wanted would be impossible.


I have a post brewing in my head about post-natal depression and bonding and baby stuff, but as with all of the PND stuff, it's hard for me to write down and put into words. It scares me to admit to things that our society finds unnatural or wrong. There have honestly been times when I've felt worse than a child abuser because of things that people have said about feelings or thoughts I've had. Less than human. There have been nights when I've wanted to just get up and walk away forever because of how people think. I know I shouldn't, but I let it get inside my head and once it's in there it festers and rots and eats at everything good. I have a few good friends who tell me I'm doing a good job, and Mr A is filled with admiration, but as petulant, whiny, and selfish as it sounds, it's not enough. There isn't enough good people throw at me to fill in the black void of hate, insecurity, and terror that seethes just below the surface of me.


  1. Honey. I just started reading your posts. My husband is disabled. He just had a hearing last month. The judge basically said, yeah you're pretty fucked up...tough shit, go back to work anyway, boy!

    About your feelings for your kid. The fact that you feel bad about the bad things you feel...that tells me right there what a good mom you actually are. ALL moms have bad thoughts sometimes...bad moms just don't care that they do. That's the difference.

    And as for the people on facebook "lol'ing" at you? Fuck 'em. They don't know you and they don't know what's it's like to BE you, and if they don't want to try to understand, then they can go "lol" at something else.